Yesterday I got home from work (which has been full time for a couple weeks now) and my SI joint was giving me fits. It was not quiet in the right place and there was some pain. I knew that I could eleviate the pain if I took a warm Epson salt bath, some meds and went to bed, but I did not do that. Instead I chose to get my folding chair and head to the ball park for my sons' ball games. I knew I could not sit on the bleachers, but I wanted to be there. I took my chair and sat by the fence. I was so happy I did. My youngest hit the ball and made it to first. It was so great to see him do that. He was so proud and so was I. I did stay for some of my older son's game, but missed his big plays. I knew part way through that game that if I did not leave, I would not be able to walk today. It was my choice to leave and now I have to living with missing my little man steal 3 bases. But, it was my choice and not my EDS ruling my life.
I have realized that I needed to explain this to my kids more. I took my kids to the beach a couple weeks back. The beach is a hard adventure for me......but one I love. My boys love the beach too. It is hard for me to get everyone packed, lunches, sand toys, floats, chairs, towels, a book for me. Sometimes I am exhausted by the time I finish packing. Then when we get there, we haul all the stuff I packed down the beach towards the water. I am glad that my kids have learned they need to help or we won't make it. After we are there I have to seriously consider if I am going to even get in the water. One of the reasons we moved to the gulf coast is so I can go to the beach and float. It truly is one moment in time when I am not hurting. Allowing myself to float in the salt water and just be.....makes it all worth it. However, there are days that the current or tides are moving fast and just standing in knee deep water is too much. Standing there trying to keep myself in one place or even upright sometimes can be murder on my knees, legs, ankles and feet. Then it is time to play in the sand....thank goodness my boys are old enough now to realize it is not my favorite thing to do. I still get the "Mom, come look at this" moment, an adventure all its own. Getting in and out of a beach chair, especially the low ones, is not an easy task. You don't realize how much leg muscle you use or how much pressure you put on your wrists and shoulders pushing yourself up. But, as a good mom, I do it. Can't let them down once we are there. We usually stay about three hours....that is about all I am good for. So, we pack it all back up, lug it back up the beach and to the car. By the time we get home I am wiped out. There have been many times I just sit when we get home. It is about then when my oldest will come up to me with tears in his eyes saying he wishes we never went to the beach and he is sorry he hurt me. Talk about heart breaking........I have to remind him that I am a grown mom and I make the decision as to what I do and don't do. I let him know that I made the choice to go to the beach and have fun with them. He did not force me and I knew what would happen. I made the choice and I live with the consequences. I never want them to feel like they made me do something to hurt myself or make things harder for me. It is my choice what I do and I have to deal with the outcome.
I am lucky to have an amazing family with wonderful support. If I decide to do something that will push me too far or hurt myself, my family is there to help. My boys are wonderful about helping me, they get drinks or ice.....just make sure I am generally as comfortable as I can be. It is so awesome. I cannot say enough good about my husband....he takes up all the slack I leave behind. Never once has he ever complained or been mean about it. He has told me it was his choice to marry me knowing I had a condition that could cause havoc in our lives.
In the end, it is our choice how we want to live and who we want to be with!
